The glory days

Few things in life touch me as much as the sweet memories of blowing hundreds on cheap thongs and Von Dutch hats at Gadzooks. The biggest mistake I ever made was not buying the black leather boots with flames going up the back that they had displayed in the window for months. I worked so hard to buy those boots – but instead, I spent my money getting white spikes painted onto my brown-glitter acrylic nails.

To this day, I still can’t figure out why my Nokia wasn’t ringing off the hook with requests for dates.

My awkward phase has lasted for 30 years now – I’m on a hot streak. I think it hit its peak though when everyone started having their first periods and I was still light years away, but insisted on wearing a maxi pad every day…you know, just in case. I would break out in cold sweats when my friends started talking about it and chime in with the occasional “Yeah – periods…those are totally crazy, am I right?”

You better believe I wore my pad roller skating on Friday nights. For most people, roller skating was code for “making out with my boyfriend at the roller rink” – for me, it was code for “I’m going to go ahead and skate around for a few hours and see if anyone wants to couple skate with me.” In most cases – and by “most” I mean “all” – I rolled right into the bathroom to wash my hands through the duration of the couple skate songs because no one wanted to skate with the girl who wore maxi pads for a fake period.

Then there was the time I had to Google how to make out. I mean I heard about it, and I obviously watched my friends do it at the roller rink for years, but I didn’t understand the concept. I proceeded to print out the instructions and create a how-to book for myself…again you know, just in case. I was a sophomore in high school when I did this. A sophomore. Look I don’t know about you but what’s not to love about a girl who drives a truck with a chihuahua bobble head and sub woofers. I needed to be prepared.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is – whenever you’re having a bad day, just remember I once had an online wedding and married a kid in a chat room.

baby confused idk unsure good luck charlie


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