Toddler Years, Twins

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone

I have mentioned this a few times but never really discussed it – I struggled terribly after both births.

Let me take you back to 2014 when I became a mommy. The 10 months I mentally prepared for Max were magical. I would daydream about that little boy, the time we’d spend in his nursery, things we do together, and the love that everyone told me I would automatically feel. “You’ll never feel an instantaneous love like this,” they’d say. I couldn’t wait.

When Max was born, we had a whirlwind of visitors – what a lucky little boy to have so many people that wanted to meet him and love on him. I tried to greet everyone with a smile but deep down all I wanted to do was turn the lights off and bury myself into a tiny little hole. Every time the doorbell rang I got anxious. Every time someone held Max I got anxious. Every time I left the house I got anxious. Every time I was at the house I felt trapped. And worst of all, I felt completely detached from Max. I remember crying to Kevin one day saying I felt guilty for not feeling the love that people told me I was going to feel. Even with that detachment, I couldn’t be away from him. It made absolutely no sense, but even going out for dinner with Kevin made me feel short of breath. I thought that maybe this was the “love” people were talking about so I just learned to deal with it.

The truth is, that feeling didn’t subside until I got pregnant with Hudson and Lucas. There is something so incredible about pregnancy hormones that makes me feel like I’m constantly on laughing gas – so those anxieties slowly trickled away. Until they didn’t.

Hudson and Lucas were born into stressful circumstances so when I started to feel “off” again, I attributed it to having preemies, having twins, and having 3 kids under the age of 2.

But things didn’t gradually get better, they got worse – much worse. This time, instead of never wanting to leave the house, I didn’t want to be there. I’d get chest pains on the way back from a solo store trip or the gym knowing I had to go back home. I cried a lot. A whole lot. For months.

One day things got so bad that I took my frustration out on a Costco size box of feta cheese. I crushed the thing…do you know how hard feta is to clean out of the carpet? Horrible. And its smelly. Bad move, Elizabeth.
A few weeks after the feta fight, Kevin walked into the house and I was literally crouched down in the kitchen hiding from the boys. When they saw me they cried. And when they cried I cried. So I thought if they couldn’t see me they wouldn’t cry.
He stopped, looked at me and said, “Babe what the hell is going on?”

It was then that I realized this probably wasn’t normal.

A few months ago, I put my pride aside and decided to go to the doctor – she totally understood me. She made me feel like I wasn’t nuts and that being a parent is, in fact, incredibly tough – and prescribed me some medicine to get me through this season of life.

It’s been almost 2 months and now after 2 1/2 years of being a mom I’m present. I’m finally present. Getting outside help was an absolute gift.

I only share this much because I needed to hear that I wasn’t alone when I was going through it. So if you are, sister, pick up that phone and call your doc. It’s time to get your happy back.

Mighty Oak dance 90s party mom GIF

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6 thoughts on “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone”

  1. You are an amazing gal to share this experience. So thankful your feeling better about yourself, being a wife and mother. God bless you and I’ll keep you in prayer, love you

  2. You are an amazing woman/mom/wife and I feel blessed to have gotten to know you over these past few years. I love this blog and look forward to reading it. I love your honesty and your humor is a gift. Thanks for letting me be a part of your and the boys lives.

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